If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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