the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
