My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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