There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
