I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
