i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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