I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She bit a glass in half.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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