oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
