dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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