i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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