I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
