Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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