I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
