and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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