Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
