Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
