I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
