You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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