I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
