When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
