When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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