Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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