sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
