I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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