2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
