my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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