My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
