two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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