Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
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i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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