ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
