I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
