I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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