God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
