Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
