I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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