i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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