i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
