Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
