your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
