I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
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I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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