Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
