The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I need moral support for this bender
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
