I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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