she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
