My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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