i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
3pm strippers are depressing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
