Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
