I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
