u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
