Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
