i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
