We won't sleep together?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
