He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
