it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
